Why is a Corn Nut?
The other day I was in the corner shop (as they call it across the pond) by my house and saw that there were seven different kinds of Corn Nuts. I don’t remember what the flavors were, but I do remember that they were all absolutely horrifying.
And then that got me thinking, “Why do Corn Nuts exist?”
Seriously, why do they? I mean, it can’t be because they taste good or because they look appealing in any way.
And then I envisioned what the pitch for Corn Nuts was like:
Desperate Marketing Guy: Okay, sir, so me and some lab techs came up with a revolutionary snack food.
Executive: What is it?
Marketing Guy: *pulls out Ziploc bag full of Corn Nuts* The boys in the lab call this MRG-12, but I think “Corn Nuts” would look better on a package.
Executive: Those don’t look very appealing at all.
Marketing Guy: Well, market research shows that people in the 14-25 demographic want a snack food that looks like it came out of a government surplus box. *Hands executive the bag*
Marketing Guy: *Getting very nervous* W-well it’s, uh, interesting that you ask that, b-because market research also shows that people in the 14-25 demographic want a food that smells like corn a lot, and whenever you open the bag, people will go, “Is someone eating Corn Nuts in here?” even though you opened that bag 3 days ago.
Executive: *Eats a handful of Corn Nuts* They’re alright, but where’s the flavor?
Marketing Guy: *Horrified* A-again, m-market research s-says that people in the 14-25 demographic said that they wanted a snack food that substituted flavor with a bunch of salt.
Executive: How many people are in this 14-25 demographic?
Marketing Guy: Approximately 32 million, sir.
Executive: Corn Nuts are the best thing the boys in the lab have ever produced.
It had to have gone something like that, right?